abridged from "50
Things I am Not Allowed to Do at Howart's"
which was inspired by "213
Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army"
1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
4. I will not go to class skyclad.
5. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
6. I will not use Professor Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".
7. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
8. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
9. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
10. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
11. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against the Dark Arts professor is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
12. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
14. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
15. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
16. I am not a sloth Animagus.
17. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
18. Professor Lupin does not want a flea collar.
19. I will not lick Trevor.
20. The first years are not "pledges" and they do not need "hazing".
21. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
22. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
23. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
24. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
25. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
26. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
27. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
28. I will not teach the first years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".
29. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
30. I will not refer to the hippogriff as "Horseybird".
31. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a "pimp cane" and I should stop asking if I can be his ho.
32. I will not "borrow" a prefect's badge for Peeves.
33. I am not the Defense Against
the Boring Classes Professor.
--Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear
Professor.
--I am not a Professor, at all.
34. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's
Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
--I will not replace Professor Snape's
pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
--It was not an honest mistake.
35. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet that makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
36. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.
37. I will not give any girl one
half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.
--Especially if I don't tell her
what it is.
38. Gryffindor courage does not come
in bottles labeled firewhisky.
--Charming the label does not change
anything.
39. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate
Frogs in Potions class.
--Even if I brought enough for everyone.
--Emptying a bag full of them onto
Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.
40. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.
41. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
42. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
43. When someone accuses me of not
wearing any knickers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong
is indecent.
--Especially if I can't.
44. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is blue, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."
45. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
46. Hagrid does not have sex with magical creatures; I should stop implying that he does.
47. I am not authorized to sell nude
picture of the faculty to students.
--Giving the same nude pictures
out free of charge is also frowned upon.
48. Professor Dumbledore is not Santa; he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
49. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwart's menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.
50. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
51. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."
52. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
53. Neville is not my valet.
54. When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."
55. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
56. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
57. I will not suggest that Professor Trelawney is "talking out of her arse."
58. My wand does not vibrate.
59 There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwart's.
60. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
61. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's bitch."
62. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.
63. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.
64. I should not refer to Defense Against the Dark Arts professors as "canaries in the coal mine."
65. I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
66. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.
67. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.
68. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
69. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwart's, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
70. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a bit of parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
71. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
72. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.
73. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.
74. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to the Yule Ball.
75. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
76. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
77. I will never again use the spell
used to enchant Bludgers on peas.
--Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or
any other food item.
--Or any other item that is not
a Bludger.
78. I am not allowed to lock Harry
Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
-–I am not allowed to lock anyone
in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.
79. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
80. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell first years that they are.
81. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.
82. Professor Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.
83. Stealing first years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the Whomping Willow is highly frowned at.
84. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.
85. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.
86. No part of the school uniform
is edible.
--I am not allowed to make any part
of the school uniform edible.
87. I am not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".
88. Firsties do not smell like dog poo.
89. I will not offer to sell Hagrid
new creatures.
--Especially not if I actually have
them.
90. I will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in Herbology class.
91. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.
92. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
93. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.
94. I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.
95. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.
96. I will not teach Peeves the lyrics
to “Henry the VIII I am”.
--I will not dare Peeves to sing
“Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68. He will always do it.
97. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose. Or any other orifice, for that matter.
98. I will not spread rumors that Professor Trelawney is "riding" Firenze after hours.
99. I will not try to find the Room of Requirement with the expectation that it will be full of beautiful women.
100. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
101. I will not test my Potions assigments
by spiking Professor Snape's drink with them.
--Especially not all of them at
once.
102. Professor Snape is not and never has been a "sexy bitch".
103. "Not enough room to swing a
cat" is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.
--Especially not with Mrs. Norris.
-–Or Professor McGonagall.
104. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
105. I will not insult people and
then say I was given Veritaserum.
--I will not give people Veritaserum.
106. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.
107. Professor Dumbledore is not
my personal Jesus.
--Neither is Professor Snape.
108. The house elves are not there
to do my homework.
--Neither are the ghosts.
109. I am not a magical creature.
110. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order "to see what happens".
111. I am not allowed to Accio the
clothing of any person while they are wearing it.
--Including my own.
112. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
113. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwart's.
114. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
115. I will not attempt to make Professor Trelawney's predictions come true.
116. Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".
117. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.
118. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.
119. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable Charms research.
120. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
121. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.
122. I will not go into Professor Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.
123. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Professor Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
124. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first years.
125. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
126. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
127. I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girls' bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.
128. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.
129. "Professor Trelawney predicted that I would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to supspect that she is planning to kill you.
130. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.
131. I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attatched, as that is cruel.
132. My hat is not a suitable place for storing firewhisky.
133. I will not insist that I need a scantily-clad assistant to perform magic.
134. Telling Professor Snape that he has a very big wand is inappropriate.
135. I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
136. I cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
137. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Professor Snape's classroom.
138. I will not ask anyone if they are "fucking serious" and then giggle madly when they reply in the affirmative.
139. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
140. Robes are not optional.
141. I will not call Hermione "Hermy-wun".
142. Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.
143. I will not ask the school to
sponsor a breakdancing crew.
--I will not get my nonexistent
breakdance crew to "battle" Durmstrang.
144. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.
145. Shouting "izzy wizzy let's get busy" in Charms class is not funny.
146. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.
147. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.
148. I will not trade my wand for anything, including sexual favors, firewhisky or first years.
149. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.
150. Pointing my wand at first years and yelling "Anything but pumpkins!" is not funny.
151. The "no keg party" policy is there for a reason.
152. An "Irish Mudslide" (Bailey's, Kahlua, ice cream, and chocolate syrup) will not get you extra credit in Potions.
153. I will not claim to be able
to see the thestrals if I cannot.
--I will not tell first years that
"any true wizard or witch" can see thestrals, and that if they can't they
"obviously aren't cut out for this school".
154. I will not stack Professor Trelawney's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgement and Death.
155. I will not try to pass Monopoly money as Muggle currency.
156. I will not tell non-Muggle students that the reason the metric system is all in tens is because Muggles can't count higher than that.
157. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwart's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.
158. I should not re-shelve Hogwart's:
A History under "Fiction".
--Especially if it is to make Hermione
Granger have panic attacks.
159. I will not hand out the orange
halves of Skiving Snackboxes to first years as welcome gifts.
--Not even if I offer to sell them
the purple antidote half afterwards.
160. The Bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
161. I will not stalk the Boy Who
Lived. I will not stalk Professor Snape.
--I may, however, stalk Neville
Longbottom with impunity, as he will appreciate the attention.
162. Even though Professor Lupin does get "that time of the month", it is inappropriate to point it out.
163. I am not Hogwart's official "virgin surgeon".
164. I should not tell my professors that the house points don't matter.
165. I will stop getting the exchange students from Beauxbatons to say that they “want happiness”.
166. It is none of my business whether
Professor Lupin does anything "doggy-style".
--It is equally none of my business
whether Neville Longbottom does anything "froggy-style".
167. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
168. The band at the Yule Ball does not know how to play "Freebird," and shouting it at them will not change that.
169. Pumpkin juice is not to be called "Pimp Juice."
170. I do not have "power of attorney"
over all first years.
--Thus, I am not entitled to a "cut"
of their pocket money and sweets from home.
171. Draco Malfoy no longer requires
a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.
--Not even if he insists that he
does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.
172. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus's Animagus form.
173. As I am not a licensed Mediwitch, I am to refrain from providing treatments, especially without the knowledge and/or consent of my "patients."
174. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible when wearing it and standing near the fire in the Common Room.
175. I will not perform rituals involving
first years as human sacrifices.
--Not even if it means the difference
between passing my OWLs and failing them.
176. I will not leave my Potions project in the Slytherin Common Room in a bottle marked "absinthe."
177. I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, when did the circus train pull into town?" when the new Professors are introduced.
178. Hermione, Luna and Ginny are not my Angels.
179. I will not ask Oliver Wood if
I can touch his broom handle.
--This goes for any male Quidditch
player.
180. Wingardium Leviosa is not appropriate on females' skirts.
181. Despite rumors to the contrary, upon fulfilling the prophecy, Harry Potter does not plan to go to Disney World.
182. No matter how many house points he takes from Gryffindor, Professor Snape does not deserve to be set up on a blind date with Professor Trelawney. Or Professor Umbridge. No one deserves that. No one.
183. I must never sneak up behind
Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"
--Even if the Weasley twins asked
me to do it.
--Even if Draco asked me to do it.
184. Painting a bulls-eye on Harry
Potter's back isn't funny.
--Nor is doing the same to the Defense
Against the Dark Arts professor.
185. I am not allowed to purchase
the souls of first years.
--Especially when it is hidden in
the fine print of a petition to allow first years to go to Hogsmeade.
186. "Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!" is not an appropriate way to greet a student who has been Sorted into Hufflepuff.
187. There is no wizard porn in the
Restricted Section.
--I am not allowed to put wizard
porn in the Restricted Section.
188. I am not allowed to replace the picture on Sirius Black's wanted poster with any professor I don't like.
189. I am not allowed to hold my
wand up to my butt to see what happens if I fart.
--It wasn't funny no matter how
many people laughed.
190. Just because it's not listed under the dress code rules doesn't mean it's not inappropriate.
191. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
192. Every joke in the world has
been made about wands.
--I do not earn house points if
I come up with an original joke.
193. "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.
194. Ron Weasley has big feet because he is tall. I am not allowed to assume anything anymore.
195. If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
196. The "white stuff" coming out of my "wand" is not a patronus, and I should not show others how I "conjure" it.
197. First years are not toys, and
I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.
